A general announcement posted to the town.
Fellow residents, I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but I believe we can all agree that frankly insane problems require deeply unwise solutions, and so I must regretfully announce our candidacy for Town Council.
First, a note: I am not announcing two candidates here, I am announcing the candidacy of the single entity “Ravil And/Or Lilywhite As Time Permits.” Frankly, you don’t want two of us, and we don’t care enough to do this full time.
Now, why should you vote for us?
Firstly, as mentioned above, because as a town our problems make no reasonable sense, therefore attempting to elect someone on the basis of a reasonable and rational platform is obviously hopeless. Vote for a reasonable person and you’ll get an extended treatise on the correct amount to pay the Militia for town defense. Vote for us and we’ll sponsor a law declaring that bearing arms against the town of Port Katherine constitutes implied consent to participate in any and all scientific experiments.
Secondly, interests, and the conflicts thereof. Unlike many of the candidate for this office, we belong to no organizations large enough to benefit from the Town Council’s attention, and have no real friends to display favoritism towards. As such, we will simply be relentlessly self-interested, but as we live in the same town as everyone else, that’s practically the same as being civic-minded, and much more fair.
Thirdly, of course, we are effective. Will we have solutions to difficult town problems? Yes. Will we tell you what they are? Absolutely not. Should you worry about that? Probably not.
Finally, a note to my co-candidate: Ravil, whenever you see this, please remember, if you kill me you’re honestly probably only be making it more likely that you get elected.