Friends and Citizens of Port Katherine:
I would like to announce some news that I’ve been holding back – I have arrived in Tojima, where I will be providing security for the pitball finals! The capital is abuzz with excitement for the competition. I am so very excited to be here, and it is my great hope that I will see Andrei Mikhailovich play as he leads the Armadillos to victory!
This sadly means that I will be missing the Summer festival. I will miss you all, and will miss our young Port. I trust you all to keep it safe and to have a wonderful festival, and I look forward to returning home soon.
Until then: ‘Dillos are going all the way! This is their year!
Do have fun!
Congratulations! You will, of course, be missed during the festival, but this is a wonderful opportunity you have lined up for yourself!
Keep the 'Dillos safe while they win the tournament, and we’ll keep the Port safe for your return!
What a fine way to spend a summer, watching the Armadillos blast their opponents to smithereens!
When the final score’s called, do try to be kind the rioters, whoever’s fans they might be. They’re processing a real hard bundle of feelings. Steer them away from open flames, sit the rowdiest ones down firmly, funnel the rest towards
some rich Lady’s garden a nice big fairground where they can wail in peace.
P.S. I apologize for the condition of this paper; any blemishes upon it can be attributed to the tears of jealous rage escaping me eyeballs at this very moment.